HELP ME

the day of my death wont be conmemorated. i want to be rotten. i dont want to be buried. i want to be there. in the same room i am writting this, when it all happens i'll be happy. because i'll see the only persons i love, but i dont want to die just for love, i want to die because the desire and feeling of the cold hug of death and no longer be worried about what happens or no, comforts me

can i picture myself with the people i wanna be? no. because they are not real people. they are product of my imagination, wich saddly i can just only see them in my dreams, i like being alive but after all things that happen to me, i prefer to be dead. death. where i can only be happy, where i dont have to worry about nothing, a strong deep desire of not being alive consumes me. and i know someday i will see myself. dead. with all the people i want to be with. real or not. i know they'll be there. and i wont have to worry about anything anymore. someday when that happens i will be happy for once. really happy. without anything else than just. freedom. liberty of doing whatever i want.

i hope that instead of hell or heaven. there is just me. in a empty deep void where i can create whatever i want. i hope is that, i can do whatever i want. with just only my imagination. a world where im happy and im not sitting here writting this. like a freak. despite people tell me someone will care for me. it wont do as much as the persons in my imagination. it wont do the same. and i know it. i know it perfectly. nobody else will tell me the words the people from my imagination tell me. for that i have a strong desire of dying. so i can see them, in person, i can see them and touch them. and talk to them instead of talking to them only in my thoughts. and feel loved for the first time.

sometimes i wonder if the promises of the land of peace are real. i dont want to see a world where i am peaceful and i see a god. no. i want to create my own world. i want to make it as i want to. and for this reason, i want to die, i want to see what is after the life. what is b

there is not such things like peace in a life like this one, but as the writter of all of this. i decide to keep here because im scared of harming myself to reach death. i want to die at a natural way.